Twenty-five years before the first signs of uncontrolled diabetes has reared it's ugly head. 2 surgeries on my hands last year and and now it's time to work on my eyes.
I noticed early last week some 'disturbance' in my vision. After educating myself, via WebMD, I found that these little things that were in my way had a medical term: floaters. It didn't sound too prestigious to me either. So I made an appointment with my family doc, because that's what WebMD said I should do. She was "very concerned". Now let me tell you what that said to me...Karin, we are going to have you see a specialist, but we are going to have to remove your eye. OK, so that's not WHAT she said, but that's what I heard. I made the appointment with the specialist at the office she recommended and went to see him today.
It wasn't a good visit...definitely not the way I wanted to start my relationship with a new eye doctor...I saw the first doctor and he said that I should just sit for a few and he'd send in the surgeon. Excuse me, did you say surgeon? Yes, yes he did. So in comes the surgeon and he repeats all the things the previous doctor had done. Problems, problems, problems. Everything that can go wrong with a diabetic's eyes is going on with one or both of mine. I'm reading the stuff, trying to find out about co-pays and what is and what is not covered by my insurance and I have my first appointment in the laser clinic tomorrow. I'm not really in the mindset to go into specific diagnosis and verbage right now. Right now, I'm scared. I'm scared of going blind. I'm scared I can't afford the payments for the treatments. I'm scared that I won't be able to work. I'm scared I won't be able to drive. I'm scared I won't be able to read my Bible. I'm scared I won't be able to watch my granddaughter grow up. I'm scared about so many things.
I don't know if anyone even reads my blog. I know that I don't faithfully write here, but maybe one day I won't be able to anymore. I just keep thinking about all the things that I could have done differently and then thinking about why God had this in His plan for me...and then I wonder why when I'm at one of the scariest points of my life, I sit and question the God that I want everyone else to believe in. Maybe this is about prioritizing the things in my life...maybe this is about setting an example...maybe this is about finding out if I am strong...maybe the reasons are not meant for me to know.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
30 Things About My Invisible Illness
1. The illness I live with is: type 1 diabetes
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1984
3. But I had symptoms since: I just recall the weeks leading up to it...
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: having to plan every footstep so that I'm accommodating the demands of diabetes.
5. Most people assume: that I wouldn't have diabetes if I lost some weight.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: waking up with a blood sugar that is too high or too low.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: I used to watch HOUSE, but I saw that episode with the tape worm that was like 30 feet long and I lost my desire to tune in.
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: my Insulin pump.
9. The hardest part about nights are: having low blood sugars in the middle of them.
10. Each day I take 2 pills & vitamins: I'm not really good about taking pills...but I'm very good at taking insulin.
11. Regarding alternative treatments: I don't think there really are any alternatives to insulin, but I'm open to suggestions and willing to be a guinea pig.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: How do you choose something like this...I'll stick with invisible and my type 1 because at least I know how to deal with it.
13. Regarding working and career: I am thankful that I am able to work because many illnesses leave people unable to.
14. People would be surprised to know: that diabetes affects each person differently and you can't compare one diabetic person to another when discussing food choices and treatment. The same things are just not right for everyone else.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: in 1984, it was not being allowed to eat Strawberry Shortcake cereal, but now, I think it's the harsh reality that I'm not going to live to be 90 because of all the damage I allowed diabetes to do to me while I was younger and ignoring it.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I never thought I would live to graduate high school...uh, hello 30's! LOL
17. The commercials about my illness: they have commercials about my illness?
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: nothing now since I have a pump, but when I was younger there was a lot of issues about food choices and NO SUGAR...now it's about moderation and carb counting.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: hoping for a cure--thanks Kerri
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: I'm really into trying to get my blood sugar within range. I'm a complete failure, but I do get excited!
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: eat cheetos out of the bag and drink several fountain coca-colas from White Castle.
22. My illness has taught me: that no one's perfect and that's OK.
23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is: when they talk about how their grandma couldn't eat that or their uncle had to have both legs amputated...they are not me and I'm trying not to head there...
24. But I love it when people: ask me about my insulin pump and why I'm testing my blood sugar. I'm all about teaching and getting rid of the ignorance.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: it's just knowing that I'm not alone with this...there are other people that deal with the same things I do and that God is always with me.
26. When someone is diagnosed I'd like to tell them: that I'm here if they need me.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that when you have a support team that gets involved, it makes it a little easier to deal with.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: when David helped me check my blood sugar.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: well, I'm more involved with this questionnaire than anything...I didn't know it was a whole week thing.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: that you understand me and my invisible illness and little better and will take that knowledge and help someone else.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1984
3. But I had symptoms since: I just recall the weeks leading up to it...
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: having to plan every footstep so that I'm accommodating the demands of diabetes.
5. Most people assume: that I wouldn't have diabetes if I lost some weight.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: waking up with a blood sugar that is too high or too low.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: I used to watch HOUSE, but I saw that episode with the tape worm that was like 30 feet long and I lost my desire to tune in.
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: my Insulin pump.
9. The hardest part about nights are: having low blood sugars in the middle of them.
10. Each day I take 2 pills & vitamins: I'm not really good about taking pills...but I'm very good at taking insulin.
11. Regarding alternative treatments: I don't think there really are any alternatives to insulin, but I'm open to suggestions and willing to be a guinea pig.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: How do you choose something like this...I'll stick with invisible and my type 1 because at least I know how to deal with it.
13. Regarding working and career: I am thankful that I am able to work because many illnesses leave people unable to.
14. People would be surprised to know: that diabetes affects each person differently and you can't compare one diabetic person to another when discussing food choices and treatment. The same things are just not right for everyone else.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: in 1984, it was not being allowed to eat Strawberry Shortcake cereal, but now, I think it's the harsh reality that I'm not going to live to be 90 because of all the damage I allowed diabetes to do to me while I was younger and ignoring it.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I never thought I would live to graduate high school...uh, hello 30's! LOL
17. The commercials about my illness: they have commercials about my illness?
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: nothing now since I have a pump, but when I was younger there was a lot of issues about food choices and NO SUGAR...now it's about moderation and carb counting.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: hoping for a cure--thanks Kerri
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: I'm really into trying to get my blood sugar within range. I'm a complete failure, but I do get excited!
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: eat cheetos out of the bag and drink several fountain coca-colas from White Castle.
22. My illness has taught me: that no one's perfect and that's OK.
23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is: when they talk about how their grandma couldn't eat that or their uncle had to have both legs amputated...they are not me and I'm trying not to head there...
24. But I love it when people: ask me about my insulin pump and why I'm testing my blood sugar. I'm all about teaching and getting rid of the ignorance.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: it's just knowing that I'm not alone with this...there are other people that deal with the same things I do and that God is always with me.
26. When someone is diagnosed I'd like to tell them: that I'm here if they need me.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that when you have a support team that gets involved, it makes it a little easier to deal with.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: when David helped me check my blood sugar.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: well, I'm more involved with this questionnaire than anything...I didn't know it was a whole week thing.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: that you understand me and my invisible illness and little better and will take that knowledge and help someone else.
Friday, April 17, 2009
When Things Fall Apart
Blood Sugar: 182
Ok, so it didn't fall apart, we disassembled it. This is the interior of my pod. Who knew that you could fit all that stuff in the little thing I wear on my body that keeps me ticking? I think this is really an amazing piece of work. I guess this is my moment at 'art'! LOL I think the inner-workings of my pod is very symbolic of life with diabetes. It's a culmination of a million little things that make diabetes doable...livable. Every spring,screw, and piece of plastic has a purpose to fulfill in keeping me going...just like every blood test and every carb I count has a purpose to fulfill. Interesting, that something so complicated and intricate comess in a small plastic dome that I wear. Who knew?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Secrets
Blood Sugar: 210
So I was reading a guest post on the Diabetes OC and Leann talked about how she used to hide the fact that she was diabetic. Talk about relating. I spent years trying to keep it a secret. I didn't want anyone that did know to speak of it. I took great pains to make sure that I was always able to hide it. But why? It was simply the fact that I didn't want to be viewed as different. I didn't want to be categorized as sick. I didn't want to be singled out as "the diabetic". I just wanted to be. It seems so silly to me now. I mean, I'm writing a blog that focuses on being a person living with diabetes and I have pretty much opened the door to my life...my stuff...my eccentricities about it all...what do you do? The other day Dear Abby had a letter from a person that was recently diagnosed with diabetes and she was asking if it was appropriate to inject herself while at restaurants and whatnot...It was so relieving to read that someone else was asking this kind of question. I, too, have found myself places where I wondered if it were OK to just go ahead and shoot up...I couldn't see the logic of going to a public restroom to inject myself...OH THE GERMS!!!! I always tried to be discrete, but I wasn't shy. It's funny how I have changed. The big secret has changed into a badge of honor, if you will. You know, Hey! Look at me! I'm diabetic. Is is maturity? Maybe, but I think it is more of an acceptance of self. Why should I let anyone or what they think of me define me? I define me. I am what I am and you can take it or leave it. Once you accept yourself, and your condition there is no reason to ever look back. I hope you aren't hiding your illness...embrace it and live, it's not going anywhere!
So I was reading a guest post on the Diabetes OC and Leann talked about how she used to hide the fact that she was diabetic. Talk about relating. I spent years trying to keep it a secret. I didn't want anyone that did know to speak of it. I took great pains to make sure that I was always able to hide it. But why? It was simply the fact that I didn't want to be viewed as different. I didn't want to be categorized as sick. I didn't want to be singled out as "the diabetic". I just wanted to be. It seems so silly to me now. I mean, I'm writing a blog that focuses on being a person living with diabetes and I have pretty much opened the door to my life...my stuff...my eccentricities about it all...what do you do? The other day Dear Abby had a letter from a person that was recently diagnosed with diabetes and she was asking if it was appropriate to inject herself while at restaurants and whatnot...It was so relieving to read that someone else was asking this kind of question. I, too, have found myself places where I wondered if it were OK to just go ahead and shoot up...I couldn't see the logic of going to a public restroom to inject myself...OH THE GERMS!!!! I always tried to be discrete, but I wasn't shy. It's funny how I have changed. The big secret has changed into a badge of honor, if you will. You know, Hey! Look at me! I'm diabetic. Is is maturity? Maybe, but I think it is more of an acceptance of self. Why should I let anyone or what they think of me define me? I define me. I am what I am and you can take it or leave it. Once you accept yourself, and your condition there is no reason to ever look back. I hope you aren't hiding your illness...embrace it and live, it's not going anywhere!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Another day, another anniversary
Blood sugar: 129
So today's the big day...the big 2-5...It's hard to believe. It's another one of those situations where I have to ask is it a happy anniversary? What's the proper thing to say on a day like today? "Hey, Karin, glad you made it!" I know that many, many people live to have their 25th or even 50th anniversaries with diabetes, but yet again, it's bittersweet. I'm glad to be alive still. I'm glad that the treatments for diabetes have improved. I'm glad I'm here to blog about it. But would I be happier to not have to deal with the daily struggles, you bet. To not have to count the carbs that I eat, absolutely. To not be forced to stick myself with some sort of needle every day for the rest of my life, without question. But I'm not alone in this. It's something that millions of others face every day right along with me. So what if I'm a little rougher for the ride? I made it this far, right? And who's to say that I won't make it to my 50th? Well, that's entirely up to me and God, right? So here's to 25 years with diabetes! I've dealt with the big D this long...I can handle it as it comes.
So today's the big day...the big 2-5...It's hard to believe. It's another one of those situations where I have to ask is it a happy anniversary? What's the proper thing to say on a day like today? "Hey, Karin, glad you made it!" I know that many, many people live to have their 25th or even 50th anniversaries with diabetes, but yet again, it's bittersweet. I'm glad to be alive still. I'm glad that the treatments for diabetes have improved. I'm glad I'm here to blog about it. But would I be happier to not have to deal with the daily struggles, you bet. To not have to count the carbs that I eat, absolutely. To not be forced to stick myself with some sort of needle every day for the rest of my life, without question. But I'm not alone in this. It's something that millions of others face every day right along with me. So what if I'm a little rougher for the ride? I made it this far, right? And who's to say that I won't make it to my 50th? Well, that's entirely up to me and God, right? So here's to 25 years with diabetes! I've dealt with the big D this long...I can handle it as it comes.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Happy One Year Anniversary?
Blood Sugar: 170
Today marks the anniversary of me switching from traditional injections to the OmniPod. Do you say happy anniversary for something like this? I mean, it's a bit bittersweet when you look at it from my angle. I love being on the OmniPod. I love the vast changes it has made in my life--TO my life. My quality of life is better, I feel better, I am able to do more things than when I was on injections. But I am still and always will be a chronically ill person with the job of managing a disease that is not manageable. Being on the OmniPod has really let me live a more normal life than I ever thought possible. Of course, there is no denying that diabetes is still a lot of work and it does take constant effort to control blood sugars that change without rhyme or reason, but it's a little different now. There's no more leering people at restaurants as I inject myself, there's no more questions about it hurting, there's less limitations that I face, but it remains my ever-constant...companion. It's funny when you stop and really look at things--it seemed so easy on the surface to just say, "Yeah, no more shots for me," but then reality sets in and you know that you can be happy about this little thing, and many people won't understand why and you lack the words to explain it...Wouldn't life be easier if we could just accept the happy without looking at the sad? Well--happy anniversary to me, because I just want to be a little happy.
Today marks the anniversary of me switching from traditional injections to the OmniPod. Do you say happy anniversary for something like this? I mean, it's a bit bittersweet when you look at it from my angle. I love being on the OmniPod. I love the vast changes it has made in my life--TO my life. My quality of life is better, I feel better, I am able to do more things than when I was on injections. But I am still and always will be a chronically ill person with the job of managing a disease that is not manageable. Being on the OmniPod has really let me live a more normal life than I ever thought possible. Of course, there is no denying that diabetes is still a lot of work and it does take constant effort to control blood sugars that change without rhyme or reason, but it's a little different now. There's no more leering people at restaurants as I inject myself, there's no more questions about it hurting, there's less limitations that I face, but it remains my ever-constant...companion. It's funny when you stop and really look at things--it seemed so easy on the surface to just say, "Yeah, no more shots for me," but then reality sets in and you know that you can be happy about this little thing, and many people won't understand why and you lack the words to explain it...Wouldn't life be easier if we could just accept the happy without looking at the sad? Well--happy anniversary to me, because I just want to be a little happy.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Disolve it all
Blood Sugar: 151
I have very sensitive skin. Not a big deal usually. I use lotion and try to keep up with how dry my skin can get from the weather or from the diabetes. So my pods have an adhesive circular pad on them that keep them where I put them. I rotate the sites that I use in an effort to assist in insulin absorption over time. So two spots that I rotate to are on either side of my stomach. Well, the first time I tried to remove a pod from there it left these horrendouse welts on my poor sensitive tummy. They were sore and they itched and it was miserable. The next time I decided to be more careful and I peeled it back and it was pulling my skin off. I was miserable. As usual, when I have a question I hit the net and started asking different discussion groups and other pumpers if they had this same problem and if so, what could I do? I was introduced to this laundry aid. It's not perfect, but it is SO much better than yanking the pod off my tummy. It has a nice citrus scent that isn't overly citrusy...it's not a chemical smell. It doesn't dry my skin out. I do still get a bit of a welt, but that's just my sensitivity to the adhesive---the welt is no longer as big as the pod! But the downside...the goo!!! That adhesive turns into the stickiest goo. My granddaughter saw me trying to clean it off my belly one night and said, "Mamaw, you got boogers?" It was extremely funny...but unfortunately very accurate. So that's my story. Sorry it took so long to get back in the blog groove. I have a couple blogs geared up, but I'm not quite finished writing. I hope you stay tuned...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)